Holidays are not always merry and bright

by Jaia Peterson Lent

as published in GRAND Magazine

Conner stood attentively at the screen door, his bright brown eyes fixed on the street in front of his grandmother's house, his hands clutching a clay figurine of a turkey he had made for his mom. She had promised to come for Thanksgiving dinner.

“One slice of turkey, three peas, two helpings of mashed potatoes, five books, and four rounds of Crazy Eights later, Connor was still waiting. “It’s bedtime,” his grandmother said, “How about we change into our pj’s and watch your favorite show?”

“No,” Connor shouted, “I want to watch it with Mommy!” Within minutes, his hurt feelings escalated to full-blown tantrum.

Three hours later, Conner was finally asleep, his head resting on his Grandpa's lap. His grandmother gently slid the clay turkey figurine out of Conner's hand, and covered him and his sleeping Grandpa with a blanket. Only then could she breathe a little easier.

Meeting the challenges that come with holidays

This time of year, more than 2.7 million grandparents raising grandchildren find themselves navigating a unique set of holiday stressors. Not only do they have to prepare their grandchildren for the possibility that the children’s parents won’t show up—they have to steel themselves to weather the fallout, all while simultaneously juggling their own loss, grief, anger, and confusion related to the reasons their adult child is not able to care for their grandchild.

Despite the gaiety one hopes to experience during the holidays, grandchildren not living with their parents often feel a mixture of joy, anxiety, excitement, and sadness. No matter their age, grandchildren may not know how to deal with the emotional swings that come with disappointment, or even with pleasant surprises. What you need is a GRANDfamily strategy!

Manage the children’s expectations: If you know that their parents will not be participating in any way during the holiday celebrations, gently tell your grandchildren ahead of time. That way, if the parents show up or send a present, it’s far easier to share the good news. If the parents don’t show, it may soften the blow and help them avoid feeling forgotten or ignored.

Support the child’s desire to give: Children love their parents, even when they have been hurt by them. It’s important to let them express how they feel. During holidays, this may come through giving. Even if you fear it won’t be reciprocated, it’s important to help them find joy in giving.

Keep it simple: You can’t be everything to everyone. Figure out the few key people that your grandchildren need to see over the holidays and focus on making those gatherings the best they can be.

Create your own traditions: Children need routine, tradition, and rituals. When they had to leave mom and/or dad's home, the rituals they had were interrupted. Holidays are a terrific time to introduce some new fun traditions that don’t revolve around parents.

Jaia Peterson Lent is the Deputy Executive Director at Generations United, a national organization dedicated to improving the lives of children, youth and older people through intergenerational collaboration, public policy and programs. Home to the National Center on Grandfamilies, Generations United is a leading voice for issues affecting families headed by grandparents or other relatives.

This Thanksgiving, Appreciating Life’s Unexpected “Gifts”

Written by Jaia Peterson Lent

Last February I was diagnosed with stage 4 rectal cancer. I am 38 years old. Cancer sucks. It also gives you gifts. Gifts I wish I could have received another way, but gifts for which I am thankful.

Even as I have worked for Generations United for 12 years, one of these gifts has been a new appreciation for the presence and perspective of the young and old in my life.

The young

My son has spent his twos with a mommy going through treatment. He has handled it like a champ. From abruptly stopping nursing before he was ready, to spending nights away from mommy,  to visiting her hooked up to a pole in the hospital, to being told mommy wants to but can't pick you up right now because her tummy hurts. He didn't like any of it, but he adjusted because he sensed that he had too.

"Mommy, you can't pick me up ‘cuz your tummy hurts? Oh. (pause) Can I see it?"

"Yes, honey."

(He examines the incision from surgery. Pause) "Did the doctor zip you up?"

“Yes, kind of."

(Pause) "He won't unzip it?"

"No. It will get better and won't need a zipper anymore."

"Okay, can I go play with my dump truck?"

I loved how we dealt with the facts and then moved on. The next thing I would hear from him was giggles and excitement from the sheer joy of play. I often think I owe my survival to him, both because I need to survive for him and because his spirit makes me want to continue to have more years of joy.

The old

When you are diagnosed with cancer in your 30's your peers are in shock. They are wonderful and supportive and concerned.  But the older people in your life understand. It's an impossible experience to explain to people. Most older people have already experienced it in some way. They've been forced to understand. They've survived it themselves or they've cared for or lost a spouse, a parent, a sibling, a friend, or perhaps most devastating, a child.

I have a caring bridge site where I post updates online for friends and family about how I am doing. There is a guest book for people to leave comments. About 3/4ths of the comments are from older people. Many of them are my parents' friends. This is in large part a testament to how much my parents' enormous network of friends love them and me by extension. 

It's also because older people have been there and have a profound need and skill at sharing love, prayers and insight.  I am deeply grateful for them. From them we have received letters of support, monetary gifts to help with hospital co- pays, parking, housecleaning and babysitting, and simple hugs in church to remind my husband, son and me explicitly that we are loved. The gifts of the older people, many of whom only have known me peripherally, are unmatched.

To my peers, don't get me wrong, I could not make it without your support. I write this in hopes that you and others will find the opportunity to benefit from the gifts of young and old without the pain that comes from tragedy. But if tragedy comes, know that they are an ever present and perhaps unexpected essential part of our human safety net.

By way of an update, I am now in my last stages of treatment. The doctors can no longer see any cancer- Another gift. One to which I owe the young and old in my life much thanks.